The Seventh Annual Saint Stanislaus Polka Party
May 5, at the Abbey Lounge

"Sure, there are plenty of St. Stanislaus parties happening this weekend--folks are clamoring to whoop it up in celebration of the 11th century Polish bishop. but if you only attend one St. Stanislaus party this weekend, it should be at the St. Stanislaus Day Polka Party at the Abbey Lounge." -Boston Globe

Despite the multitude of annual celebrations across the land, the patron saint of Poland continues to be slighted by the Church which, in the wake of Vatican II, demoted his traditional feast day on May 7th to a mere "memorial" day on April 11th. The failure of even the Polish Pope John Paul II to re-establish this feast day before he died, only emphasizes the plight of poor St. Stanislaus. This holiday season, (on Saturday, May 5th at the Abbey Lounge) Al Janik's Plastyczny Ser Orkestra (roughly translated as "plastic cheese band" -- see below) continues its mission to alert all to this grave misdeed and re-establish this great celebration of Polish subculture.

But why all the interest in this humble 11th century Polish bishop? A miracle babe born in 1030 to parents childless for many years, young Stanislaus Szczepanowski was encouraged to piety from early childhood. He miraculously is credited in "The lives of saints" as having been educated at the University of Paris which at that time had not yet even come into existence! Upon rising to Bishop of Cracow, the zealous apostle repeatedly came into conflict with Poland's King Boleslaus II, whose scandalous epoch was typified by his unbridled lust, savage cruelty, and acts of rapacity. When the evil king ignored Stanislaus' passionate remonstrations, the Polish bishop excommunicated him. Furious with rage, the king sent his guards to slay Stanislaus but they failed to do so because they found him surrounded by a heavenly light. Finally, the king himself entered the chapel during a mass and lopped off the head of Stanislaus, cut his body into little pieces, and scattered them on the street to be devoured by beasts of prey. However... the pieces of bloody carcass were protected by eagles (the national Polish symbol), and the sacred relics of Stanislaus were rescued three days later and privately buried in the chapel where he had been slain. While there is some dispute over the historical accuracy of this account, and rumors of the bishop's treason have been bandied about by the Karl Rove's of past centuries, any evidence of Stanislaus' role in a plot to dethrone the king has never come forth. He was canonized in 1253 by Pope Innocent IV.

What's not to like about Poland's noble hero? And what better way to acknowledge that greatness than by joining Al Janik's Plastyczny Ser Orkestra, with special guests The Golonka Triplets, Lucky 57, and the Confedacy of Dumpsters, this May 5th and getting sloshed with Saint Stosh? Come on out and polka like it's 1253 to traditional Polish folk songs like:

• Who Stole The Kishka?
• Mrs. Szalinskaski, You've Got A Lovely Daughter
• Jumping Jack Gwompke
• I Wanna Hold Your Kielbasa
• Chopin B. Goode
• The Angels Wanna Wear My Czerwone Buchiki
• (I Can't Get No) Solidarnosc

NA ZDROVIE!

(-Al Janik)

The Seventh Annual St. Stanislaus Day Polka Party. With Al Janik's Plastyczny Ser Orkestra, with The Golonka Triplets (10:30), Lucky 57 (11:30), Confederacy of Dumpsters (9:30)

Who is Plastyczny Ser Orkestra?

Not much is known about Plastyczny Ser Orkestra. Of all the famous pop groups of their era -- Beatles, Rolling Stones, Electric Flotation Devices -- they remain perhaps the most mysterious.

What is known is the following: Plastyczny Ser Orkestra were probably originally trained as special agents during the cold war. The clever idea was to infiltrate Western nightclubs and celebrity circles with highly trained agents doubling as musicians. Their goal was to gather sensitive information from what was assumed would be a vast sea of fans and hangers-on.

Unfortunately the plan was a bust from the start. Polka bands were not creating much in the way of fan fervor anywhere except certain sections of Chicago, western Pennsylvania, and a few other locations with absolutely no strategic import whatsoever.

It is thought that by 1982, Kevin Hensleyczynskyki, the band's guitar player, grew disgusted by the growing bureaucratic red tape and corruption and attempted the first of several military coups aimed at taking over the band.

He was summarily executed and replaced by Kevin Hensleyczynskyki (II) -- to this day often considered the "cute" Plastyczny.

By the time the Solidarity movement in Poland began to gather steam, foretelling the eventual fall of Communism, it was clear the plan had gone terribly wrong.

Indeed, the Walesa government wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the band and for a time Plastyczny Ser Orkestra may have worked as mercenaries for the Burmese government, who apparently had mistranslated the word "polka" for "popular" in a promotional pamphlet.

Internally the group quarreled, periodically maiming each other during drunken fits.

By the late 1990's the band was likely back in Poland and attempting a comeback as non-agents, under the oddly conspicuous moniker "The Non-Agents". They began to re-sculpture their pop image in a more contemporary style.

However, not having a clue about what "contemporary" meant, they appeared in odd orange jumpsuits, bright white basketball shoes, and what can only be described as very bad haircuts -- long ponytails with a shaved strip down the middle.

The hair style abuse caused singer Aloosh Janik to permanently lose much of the hair on the top of his head, and turned accordionist Suzan Leeski's (not pictured) hair from her natural bleach blond, to black.

As the new century turned, they are believed to now reside in Poland where they are wholly ignored. They seem content to fly to Somerville, Massachusetts once a year to play sloppy polkas for an hour, all for a pathetic few beers, and maybe $30 or so.